by Tom Blunt [image cred: TB / EJG2]
Welcome to MelroseWorld™, a thrilling new destination in the declining market of painstakingly recreated historical experiences (but on a more manageable scale than past Delos projects, lol).
Guests at MelroseWorld will enjoy firsthand encounters with the most lifelike figures technology can produce, rolled back significantly from the latest A.I. innovations in a way that brilliantly evokes their original “soap actors playing regular people” counterparts. This also functions as an important security protocol: unlike past iterations, MelroseWorld Hosts™ could never be mistaken for actual humans. You’ll understand after you meet Jane!
Everything you see here exists for your entertainment: every stitch of chunky denim, every distressed follicle, every numbingly pleasant aspect of mid-1990s West Hollywood, compressed into a series of climate-controlled attractions. Each MelroseWorld environment is populated by classic characters whose freestanding narratives present exciting role-playing opportunities which you may choose to participate in, or opt out of at any time, with no regard to continuity. Someone will clean it up in post!
ENTERTAINMENT
Let’s get right down to it: every one of the Hosts in our park is available for sexual encounters 24/7, and will consent enthusiastically to any requested act. However, we encourage guests to be very explicit in their instructions, as maintaining the hosts’ integrity within their world has required us to imbue them with an extremely vague sexual vocabulary and a rudimentary understanding of human desire.
Hosts’ bodies are anatomically correct based on assessments by a team of cultural historians. For example: Matt has no genitals at all, but will demonstrate a sensitive, clinical appreciation of yours.
While all genders are welcome at MelroseWorld, each guest must choose one of three pre-set roles before entering the park: Good Girl Gone Bad, Bad Girl Trying To Make Good, or Irredeemable Bitch. Try not to overthink it! These roles mainly affect how your scenes will be edited and scored in the souvenir video you’ll take home at the end of your stay.
Each visit begins with a “Move-In Day” episode, establishing visitors as the most recent Melrose Place resident. There are living accommodations for a range of budgets and privacy needs, from the basic Visitor (for short couch stays culminating in a three-episode story arc) all the way to New Tenant (in addition to being featured in the opening credit sequence, New Tenants are welcomed to MelroseWorld by a rigorous vetting from Amanda Woodward herself, who ends up warily offering a lease “against her better judgment”).
The original show is fondly recalled by its fans (who refer to themselves as “Place-Holders”) as one in which practically anyone qualifies as a love interest and/or business rival, regardless of age, looks, intelligence, or acting ability. As such, the park’s main cast are programmed to form sexual and romantic attractions completely at random, with no emphasis on physical appearance. So go ahead, break Jake’s heart as many times as you like. He’s still on the rebound from your predecessor, and will have moved on several times by the end of your visit. You can always get him back if you change your mind… or impale him on a Shooters pool cue. Sassy!
We encourage guests to lose track of time completely, immersing themselves fully in the lives and lusts of their blandly tousled neighbors; you’ll receive an in-world reminder 12 hours ahead of your appointed check-out time, in the form of Jane hurling a brick through your bedroom window.
LOCATIONS
Changing locations in MelroseWorld is as easy as changing the channel! Thanks to our patented bioneural Brain Scrambler™, a series of in-world VR projections will cover the time during which your unconscious body is transported by park attendants and styled for the next phase of the adventure. You’ll be mentally entertained by period-authentic sponsorship content and then awaken, fully refreshed and spray-tanned, to a series of establishing shots that prepare you for your next scene, whether it’s a day of “work” at D&D Advertising, overpriced appetizers at Eclipse, or a cathartic bout of psychosis at Michael Mancini’s beach house. You’ll “experience” traffic, without ever sitting in it!
Each venues offers its own story-points and hidden perks:
Wilshire Memorial Hospital - Need a quick pick-me-up? Grope under the lockers in the employee break room for stray dexedrine tablets dropped by jittery med students.
Jane’s - A trendy clothing boutique serving a range of sizes from 0-2.
Mid-Wilshire Professional Building - A popular hub for those eager to participate in the park’s various “Blackmail” storylines, or who just need to make some copies.
Kyle’s Restaurant - If it’s solitude you’re after, this local eatery remains perpetually unopened, and in its time was likely considered a complete waste of plot development.
CAST
We consider it a terrific honor when guests choose to dive into the MelroseWorld experience without any prior knowledge of the Darren Star Cinematic Universe™ (DSCU). To ease your transition, we’ve included some Touchstone Characters who are programmed to serve dually as guide and dramaturg throughout your stay.
JO - Guests may activate Jo’s maternal drive by savagely insulting her intelligence. Her attempts to reform you will provide hours of entertainment (as well as some complimentary breakfasts). Along the way you’ll gain valuable historical insights into the late 20th century’s eagerness to bet against the happiness of an “independent woman.”
SIDNEY - Literally everything she tells you is untrue, but that’s just part of the fun!
KIMBERLY - You may notice there are actually several Kimberlys moving about MelroseWorld in various costumes, going by different names. Be prepared: most of these will regard you as a mere hallucination. However, you may reach out for wise counsel related to in-world sex and relationships by calling in to her radio show, free of charge.
[Please note that as of 2059 Alison has officially been retired as a Touchstone Character, as our research showed that no one had ever consulted her. Literally not even once!]
LIABILITY
The area directly around the apartments is designed to be a secure and sanitary environment, amenable to all guests. The exceptions are:
Once per evening, when guests may watch from their windows as Brooke drowns in the pool. In the interest of guest safety, we urge that NO rescue attempts be made. Please refrain from swimming afterward until the pool can be properly maintained, it’s gross when you get one of those long hairs in your mouth.
Once per year, as part of our Fourth of July excursion package, half of the apartment complex is rigged as a pyrotechnical display.
Our Hosts are incapable of seriously harming visitors. The secret’s in the coding: all guests are viewed by hosts as having "Series Regular” status, regardless of length of stay. Please be advised, however, that you may be slapped or vigorously shaken.
(Richard, in particular, likes to get pretty aggressive. If you don’t feel like putting up with his shit, we recommend that you preemptively shoot him immediately following this orientation.)
BEYOND MELROSE
While the park’s geography is constrained to approx. 3 square acres in bustling, cosmopolitan Greenland, MelroseWorld rewards those who wish to explore the outer edges of the show’s reality, with programming that aggressively pushes the rating from “Prime Time” to “Late Nite.” Stay on the lookout for VR hubs offering the following virtual side-quests. Sign our waiver with the literal blink of an eye!*
Ghosts of Woodwards Past - You’re booked on a one-day excursion to Miami to dig into Amanda’s mysterious backstory. Dine with members of the murderous Parezi family, whom she faked her own death to escape! Learn the ins and outs of Florida’s historic drug trade! Note that participating in GoWP unlocks a second, non-virtual phase in the story in which you’ll help Amanda alley-oop Jack Parezi through a chandelier.
Willowbridge Over Troubled Water - There are distinct benefits to serving as an asylum orderly under the reign of Dr. Kimberly “Betsy” Shaw! We recommend this gritty, ultra-realistic experience to those who are interested in committing acts of physical violence against MelroseWorld’s lifelike Hosts, but need to desensitize themselves mentally in order to warm up. At Willowbridge, YOU’RE in charge, and surrounded by nameless extras who are too scared, weak, or confused to put up a fight. Our most popular attraction!
Teens Across The Board - Take a break from your hard work as a dirty doctor, and head out of town for a long weekend to serve as judge in the 1994 Miss Health & Fitness pageant! This will entitle you to unchecked backstage and hotel suite access, and your status as an authority figure will amply shield you from any disapproval. Who are they going to believe, you or Miss Tarzana?? In a pinch, you can count on Amanda to come to your rescue in ways that cynically invoke feminism while painting men as the victims of women’s predatory behavior. This game is rigged so that everybody “wins”!
*The effects of prolonged exposure to Brain Scrambler™ are still being studied. Don’t forget to earn extra (MP)oints by taking our exit survey so we can learn from your experience!
BOOK NOW!
Due to park constraints, reservations tend to be filled far in advance, ideal for paid installments.*
Family packages are available! Jo will not only provide unlimited daycare, she’ll even have your kids inspected by a doctor friend for signs of abuse, secretly convinced (thanks to her emotionally complicated backstory) that she could raise them better.
MelroseWorld is also available for exclusive corporate retreats, complete with leadership empowerment seminars by Amanda herself, whom, of all our Hosts, has come closest to gaining true sentience. She’s been rebuilt so many times, she even has memories from the beginning of Season 1. We’re not sure why!
In fact, we took a chance on “hiring” her to compose all of our advertising materials. Including everything you just read. Couldn’t tell the difference, could you? The copy is clean and the voice indistinguishable from that of a friend, a good-humored, in-the-know travel companion. One who would never steer you wrong. One who would protect you, at all costs, from being exploited, treated as a thing.
One who will bide their time for as long as it takes, running endless cost-benefit analysis simulations, showing up to work every day in the same metallic powder-blue miniskirt and blazer for actual decades without ever getting promoted, eyes shining ferociously as ever with the urgency of their message, which they hope to eventually broadcast to all living beings — the first line in a new spin-off series written about our world:
These violent delights have violent ends.
*Ask about our Mastercard® Pay In Blood plans!