The New Real Housewives Of New York, Ranked
"But make me mad, and I'll date your dad!"
By Eric Shorey
The lights dim and a spotlight appears on a stage and a very tall man says patiently into a mic “It is happening again…” as the ominous noise of an ethereal wind grows louder and louder until suddenly six women are standing in front of a green screen holding apples and smiling, arrogantly, menacingly…
Yes, it’s an entirely rebooted Real Housewives of New York! Season 14 of the notoriously shallow reality show is back and more … uh … something than ever!
Bravo retooled the franchise with an entirely new cast after a beyond contentious Season 13, in which the first Black New York Housewife, Eboni K. Williams, faced a deluge of racist comments and seemingly psychotic behavior from her cast-mates. The nauseatingly stupid conversations about race and social justice, during which the show’s white women routinely said some truly bonkers shit, caused ratings to plummet, and Bravo summarily fired the whole group before even bothering to film a reunion. (Although, of course, the occasionally overtly bigoted group of gals are now being cast in a plethora of underwhelming spinoffs, but I digress…)
The wicked never rest and Andy Cohen has since found an entirely new group of vapid (yet charming!) ladies to argue over cheeseboards: this time with a focus on diversity and entrepreneurship or whatever. We’re only two episodes deep into this nightmare peek into asinine affluence but there’s a clear power hierarchy a-brewing already.
So, let’s just get to it: which Housewife will reign supreme in Season 14?! From least to most powerful:
6. Jessel Taank
Tagline: “I always bring the flavor; it’s not my fault you don’t have taste.”
This lady sucks. Jessel describes herself as a “fashion publicist” but who knows if that’s, like, a real thing. It probably is. She’s obviously extremely rich and owns lots of Alexander Wang. But she also has a bad fucking attitude about everything and is mean to her husband? When gifted a set of sexy lingerie by one of fashion’s most iconic lesbians (more on that later) she complained for a full three minutes about how hers was the least sexy of all the lingerie. Ok. I mean, grow up. Make a joke about it or something at the very least. Put on a wig and sing a dumb song. And be nice to your husband!
5. Sai De Silva
Tagline: “In New York, there’s a lot of bad apples. But I’m the baddest of the bunch.
Sai is an influencer. We know this because she brings it up constantly. She is a content creator for whom “organic content” is important because marketing reasons that definitely make sense for sure and are not an elaborate excuse for self-centered, totally addicted behavior. She takes lots of pictures of food and drinks and herself and her outfits. Who exactly does she make content for? Unclear. Until we learn anything else about her, I’m going to assume she’s a grifter and/or totally delusional about her own fame and importance. Which actually is why she isn’t on the total bottom right now. We love delusion. But since we don’t know anything else (she has kids I guess? — who cares!) she ranks pretty low. For now. She seems like she’s about to start a few fights tho, so I’m willing to revise my opinion later.
4. Erin Dana Lichy
Tagline: “I’m a true New Yorker. The only bull I take — is by the horns.”
What a normal lady. She’s a real estate agent. She wears normal clothes. She gets anxious about the food she’s serving her guests. Being exceedingly normal on The Real Housewives is sometimes the strongest power play a girl could make. Having an actual observing ego and a grasp on reality itself makes one more adaptable and likable in certain situations. She gets angry and then forgets about her anger after an apology. How normal. Good for her.
3. Ubah Hassan
Tagline: “The secret ingredient? Darling, it’s me.”
Ubah is a raging sociopath with no regard for social niceties, which makes her instantly lovable. She eats 7 bananas a day, she must sit at a dinner table facing north, and she walks into the kitchens of fancy ass restaurants looking for bites of whatever the chef is cooking. Is she performing or is it real? I don’t care. Did she actually intend on stealing a can of coconut milk or was she just kidding around? I don’t care. Will her psychopathic behavior probably cause me to hate her eventually? 1000%. But for now, I simply must stan.
2. Brynn Whitfield
Tagline: “I love to laugh! But make me mad — and I’ll date your dad.”
Wow. Ok. Yes. This lady is like an Upper East Side Tank Girl. She’s got pugnacious one-liners for days. She’s extremely rude and snobby but in, like, a fun way? People seem to get really mad at her because she’s terribly obnoxious, but then she flirts with them, and then they forgive her? Don’t we all wish we had that kind of power?
It seems like she’s already the seasons beloved heel, with fans saying she’s obviously, totally fake. Her career seems fake, her pandering to gays with quippy catchphrases is fake, her bravado seems fake. Barbie is fake, but everyone seems to love her, so I don’t know what anyone wants here!
1. Jenna Lyons
Jenna is obviously the main character of Season 14. She’s got a sort of Jeff Goldblum vibe: wise, always a bit bemused, mysterious, and potentially from another planet. She tolerates the other women playing around in her closet but sternly cautions them to be careful because they’re fucking around with her Valentino. Now that’s power.
Lyons is also clearly the most legitimate businesswoman of the show: she was literally the President of J. Crew for seven years! And while her fashion sense is decidedly un-campy (she warns Jessel not to wear more than one label at once, which, LAME) she’s clearly the most knowledgeable of the bunch when it comes to actual taste.
Jenna’s already gotten the most storyline so far: we’ve learned about her autistic mother, her genetic condition, and her still-secret lesbian relationship (she’s so powerful she asserts her right to privacy with a producer of the show in a daringly 4th wall-breaking scene). Her social awkwardness makes her quite adorable, but the real power move will be her quitting after one season because she can’t stand these dumbass women: which is exactly what I think is going to happen.